Picking Up the Pieces

Well, it's certainly been a while since I've written something on this blog, hasn't it? So I've decided it's time to take stock of the way things have gone for the past month and a half or so.

On the positive side, I feel like I have sort of regained my emotional equilibrium. It's been a long road, and definitely a difficult one, but it's also been an intriguing process.

To add some context, let me take you back to the main issue I was facing. You see, I met a young woman over the past year or so who changed my life. She was a very special person, and she meant more to me than most of the people I've met in my life. She was vibrant, passionate, strong, beautiful, and absolutely hilarious.

Yep. She threw me for a loop, alright.

Anyway, long story short, I loved her. Or more accurately, I really liked her. She seemed like the kind of person I could see myself with. But, as always, things were not as clear cut as they seemed.

I've alluded to all of this on this blog before, but I'm just going to say it: I was really, deeply infatuated with this person. I'm not saying it was true love with a capital L, but it's a kind of love. And I was definitely drowning in it, to the point that I questioned everything about myself. Why did I fall for this particular person? I couldn't figure it out. I mean, sure, she had many of the qualities I admire in others, and she was amazing to be around and could make me stop in my tracks and laugh my head off. But why couldn't I control these feelings, and why did I feel like it was wrong for me to even think of her in that way?

Y'see, there was another complication that I'm a little ashamed to even mention here, but I'm going to force myself to do it, because this blog has always been about me working through the difficult things. So, here it is...

She was already involved with someone else. 

Now, I know that a lot of us have gone through something like this, and I know it all turns out more or less alright when everything's all said and done, but this was not my first time dealing with something like this, and I still allowed myself to fall down the proverbial rabbit hole of unrequited love. I still gave in to it, and the whole time, I hated myself for it. I wanted it to stop, but whenever I saw her or spoke to her or heard her laugh or saw her smile, I felt that same attraction. For the first time in my life, I felt like I couldn't control how I felt about someone, and that freaked me out.

All of this dissatisfaction and loneliness led to a kind of existential crisis for me. In some ways, knowing this person had made me a better, more well-rounded person. I became more outgoing, more willing to take risks, and more able to step outside of myself and be present, to really let the small moments in life sink in. I wasn't so scared of dealing with people or afraid to live my life to its fullest, and I have no doubt that's at least partially due to her influence. 

On the other hand, I felt so insanely frustrated at the circumstances in which I found myself. I felt like I had come to define my identity through how she made me feel or how I thought she saw me, rather than who I actually am. Moreover, since I was raised Roman Catholic, I felt like I was committing a grave sin by even liking this girl or feeling like I had fallen for her. I was the "bad guy" in this equation, and what I felt for her was wrong.

I actually felt like I was at war with myself, which is why I made the decision to start writing out my feelings in this blog, as a sort of therapeutic exercise. It's also why I decided to finally tell her how I felt about her, not so much because I was hoping she'd feel the same way (though I probably did, at least a little) or because I wanted to act upon it, but because if I didn't, the pain and anxiety I felt about the situation would have consumed me.

So I told her everything. I told her that I loved her and respected her, and that I didn't really want anything from her, other than for her to know that I thought the world of her. For her part, she said that it didn't change anything between us in terms of our friendship, and that she was glad I opened up to her, because she could see that it was hurting me to hold it all in (which meant that she was probably aware of it for some time). She handled it in a gracious and kindhearted way, and I am forever indebted to her for not just destroying me right then and there. 

Still, this all led to her moving on. I haven't seen her or spoken to her in well over a month, and I don't know if I ever will again. It's funny how all of that emotional stress and anxiety feels like it happened ages ago, and yet it still feels as if I'm trying to climb out of that rabbit hole. I still miss her everyday. I still think about her. I still feel lonely. 

Simultaneously, I feel like I've reasserted my belief in myself and who I am. I've started to enjoy reading and playing video games and watching my favorite shows again. Most importantly, though, I feel like I've learned to be more empathetic toward people who are going through similar situations to the one I faced. I just feel like I've been down in the dark for so long that I don't remember what it is to be happy. At least, not without it feeling marked by a sense of longing for something I will never have.

The sad truth of the matter is that I miss the frustration, in a way. I miss the connection I had with her, such as it was. It may not have been a romantic one, but it was still there. I long for the way she made me laugh, and how our senses of humor complemented one another. I was in awe of her passion and zest for life, and I wish I could find that within myself sometimes.

It's true that I'm a nostalgic soul, and I tend to look at things like this through rose-colored glasses at times, but I really miss the intensity of that feeling I had when I was around her. It may have been maddening and frustrating, but it was never boring. Now that things are balancing out, it all feels a little safe and bland. I suppose it's better for me to have some stability in my life right now, but I still want to experience that kind of intense attraction again. I want to meet someone else who makes me feel that way, and who hopefully sees in me what I saw in her.

Hopefully, I'll be able to finally find that in someone who's available, and who's looking for the same things I am. I don't know if such a person exists, but I really hope so. 

And I suppose that's enough to live on. It has to be. Otherwise, it will all have been for nothing.