Perspective
Yesterday I wrote a very negative post, which I'm sure wasn't a pleasant read. Sorry about that. Today, however, is a new day, and I'm happy to say that I've gained a bit of perspective on my situation from two sources. One was my dear friend, and the other was Heidi Priebe, MBTI specialist and one of my favorite writers in the world. Here's a quote from Ms. Priebe's brilliant article:
Perhaps, as my friend said after reading "Frustration," part of the problem is that I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of going forward because it's a risk, and because it would mean that I'd be alone if I don't succeed. But would it really mean that? Or am I simply psyching myself out just so I can stay in my comfort zone?
In the end, I suppose patience is the answer. And kindness toward myself. I've always been a perfectionist, and I've always been hard on myself. All of the negativity and teasing I faced as a child never really left me, and that's something I have to face. I have to, as Heidi Priebe says, own it, and know and believe that it's wrong. I have to tell myself that I'm a good person, or at least, someone who tries to be good. I have to believe that I am someone who is worthy of other peoples' time and, yes, even their friendship and affection. This is difficult for me, being the self-doubting, critical person I am.
Furthermore, as my friend said, I have to be willing to take the risks that moving my life forward will undoubtedly entail. I have to accept the fact that failure is a part of life, and a part of growth and development as a person. I must remember that I am actually not alone. I have a good amount of really awesome friends out there, and my family loves me. Things will never be as bad as my mind makes them out to be, because I'm an INFJ, and my brain jumps to the worst-case scenario automatically.
So, keeping all this in mind, I will focus more on the positive aspects of myself. I will be patient, and I will stay strong. I will move out and live my life. I will continue on with that goal in mind, because that might be the point. Continuing the struggle everyday is moving forward, in a way, and that will have to be enough for me as I gather resources and experience, and prepare to move on with my life.
That isn't a selfish desire, either. It's simply a human need.
Thank you all for reading, and for accompanying me on this journey.
"Fuck wondering why anyone would love you. That's a goddamned stupid question to be asking. Start asking, 'What do I love? What am I searching for? What makes me so excited to be alive that joy shines straight out my asshole every time I engage with it?' And then chase that thing, with everything you're worth. The people who love you will follow."This was exactly what I needed to read. You see, one of my greatest fears is to be alone and unloved. I am so desperate not to be that way that everything in my life feeds into that fear, and the ironic thing is that in fighting against that so hard, so recklessly... I often become alone or end up feeling lonely.
Perhaps, as my friend said after reading "Frustration," part of the problem is that I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of going forward because it's a risk, and because it would mean that I'd be alone if I don't succeed. But would it really mean that? Or am I simply psyching myself out just so I can stay in my comfort zone?
In the end, I suppose patience is the answer. And kindness toward myself. I've always been a perfectionist, and I've always been hard on myself. All of the negativity and teasing I faced as a child never really left me, and that's something I have to face. I have to, as Heidi Priebe says, own it, and know and believe that it's wrong. I have to tell myself that I'm a good person, or at least, someone who tries to be good. I have to believe that I am someone who is worthy of other peoples' time and, yes, even their friendship and affection. This is difficult for me, being the self-doubting, critical person I am.
Furthermore, as my friend said, I have to be willing to take the risks that moving my life forward will undoubtedly entail. I have to accept the fact that failure is a part of life, and a part of growth and development as a person. I must remember that I am actually not alone. I have a good amount of really awesome friends out there, and my family loves me. Things will never be as bad as my mind makes them out to be, because I'm an INFJ, and my brain jumps to the worst-case scenario automatically.
So, keeping all this in mind, I will focus more on the positive aspects of myself. I will be patient, and I will stay strong. I will move out and live my life. I will continue on with that goal in mind, because that might be the point. Continuing the struggle everyday is moving forward, in a way, and that will have to be enough for me as I gather resources and experience, and prepare to move on with my life.
That isn't a selfish desire, either. It's simply a human need.
Thank you all for reading, and for accompanying me on this journey.
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