Moving On

I am not who I was.
Before all of this.
Before her.
I used to know myself.
Used to have a good idea, anyway.
I believed in something greater.
I don’t think I do anymore.
When I met her, I opened my heart.
It was amazing.
And frightening.
And surreal.
And glorious.
She was so bright.
So luminous.
I thought that, if only I spoke to her…
Maybe that brightness would become part of me.
For a time, it did.
For a brief moment, I felt… whole.
We laughed.
We played.
We smiled.
I loved her.
She was everything to me.

I am not who I was.
I don’t feel what I felt.
Where once there was peace…
And joy…
Now, there is only sorrow.
Loneliness.
Anguish.
The pain of change.
The price of transformation.
The cost of love.
My heart was once full.
Now it is empty.
There is a void.
I cannot fill it.
Not yet.
No one told me that it would be like this.
No one told me moving on would be so hard.
I didn’t know the cost.
Now I pay the price.
When will it end?

I am not who I was.
Why is love so difficult?
And despair so easy?
Who is this person I’ve become?
Am I reckless?
Am I terrible?
Am I missing?
Will I ever be who I was again?
Do I want to go back?
No.
I have to move on.
I have to make sense of this.
Why is it so hard?
Why am I failing?

I am not who I was.
I have changed since I met you.
You showed me something.
Something I didn’t know I had.
Maybe I owe you for that.
I am so sorry.
For everything.
Maybe I’m just a fool.
But I still love you…
Even after all of this.

I am not who I was.
I don’t know what I believe in.
I don’t really know who I am.
I just know that I am flawed.
I am broken.
I am weak.
I wish I was like you.
I wish I was strong.

I am not who I was.
You broke my heart.

I miss you.

Moving on is not easy.
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I want to find out who I am again.
I want to know what I believe in.
I need help.
I hope that, one day…
I will find what I am looking for.
Peace.
Happiness.
Love.
On that day, perhaps…
I’ll see you again.
I hope that day comes.

I am not who I was.
And maybe that’s okay.
Maybe, someday…
I’ll be someone better.


Thanks for reading.

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