Frustration

I'm not feeling great today. I feel like I'm drifting, and that's never good. It feels like a step backward. This is how I used to be. I should be moving forward, but I'm not.

Thing is, my life seems to be long stretches of suffering punctuated by fleeting moments of happiness. Case in point: I got my Buffy and Faith Funko Pops in the mail yesterday. Yay! That was cool and joyful and fun. However, I missed an appointment with my therapist, and I really need to talk about some things that have been going on. One feeling was entirely too short-lived, while the other left me feeling all too irritated through the entire day.

Thing is, I know what I have to do to fix my situation. I know that I need to move on with my life. I want to travel, exercise more (after my back heals up), and save more money so I can really do what I want. I know this is the solution.

This was my only source of joy.

So why am I not making it happen? What's holding me back? I feel like I have too many responsibilities. I have to take care of my parents, because they're getting older and would be lost without me in some ways. They don't understand technology, for example. If I'm not here, who would help them?

But in the midst of helping them and living with them, I also have to deal with a lot. I have to deal with getting religion shoved in my face every single day, which I don't appreciate. I have to deal with hearing about Fox News and political agendas every single day, which I don't necessarily agree with.

It's just completely frustrating. It feels like my life is not mine. Like I have no ownership of it.

I used to deal with this by utilizing an escape valve. I would play video games, but that was a temporary fix, and frankly, it hasn't been helping for a while now. And I'm too tired to read books nowadays because work just knocks me out when I get home. I'm too tired to read, and even writing has taken a back seat as of late.

What I really need is a change. I need to move out and move on. I need to get things going in my personal life. I need to help myself.

I know this. I can do this. I'm the only one who can make it happen for myself.

So why don't I?

I just don't know.

I don't want to destroy my relationship with my parents, which is going to happen if I choose to move out. They'll only see it as selfishness on my part. Life is very binary to them. They only ever see the dichotomy (good and evil, black and white, etc.). I live in the grey area.

And yet, maybe that destruction needs to happen. Maybe it's the only way I can get to work on improving my own quality of life. My whole life has been given up for others. I never finished college. Never had much of a career path. What am I even doing??

I'm stuck in a rut of my own making. And that is why I'm so frustrated.