Musings From the Dark Side

Well, it’s been a while since I wrote on this blog, hasn’t it? Initially, I wanted to address a concern of mine that’s been stuck in my head a bit lately; namely, shallowness and the concept of beauty in this society of ours, but I think I’ll save that for another time. Instead, I thought I’d just give you, dear reader, an update as to my current state of mind and situation. As always, life feels like a series of setbacks and opportunities and the horrifying moat of confusion that inevitably separates the two. I’ve been extremely lucky, in that things have sort of settled down after my 18-month-long sojourn into the state of high-functioning depression we all sort of nonchalantly refer to as “unrequited love,” as if it was some kind of adolescent foolishness. I find that term almost demeaning, like we’re belittling the way the person actually going through all of that anguish feels. I’ve had so many people give me such sage advice as “Get over it, buddy!” Were it only so easy… But I di...

I am not who I was. Before all of this. Before her. I used to know myself. Used to have a good idea, anyway. I believed in something greater. I don’t think I do anymore. When I met her, I opened my heart. It was amazing. And frightening. And surreal. And glorious. She was so bright. So luminous. I thought that, if only I spoke to her… Maybe that brightness would become part of me. For a time, it did. For a brief moment, I felt… whole. We laughed. We played. We smiled. I loved her. She was everything to me. I am not who I was. I don’t feel what I felt. Where once there was peace… And joy… Now, there is only sorrow. Loneliness. Anguish. The pain of change. The price of transformation. The cost of love. My heart was once full. Now it is empty. There is a void. I cannot fill it. Not yet. No one told me that it would be like this. No one told me moving on would be so hard. I didn’t know the cost. Now I pay the price. When will it end? I am not wh...

By Keona Tang, @KeonaTang I wanted to try something a little bit different with this post, since this blog has dealt with a lot of the events of the past year and a half of my life. Rather than focusing on all of that stuff, I'd like to talk about one of my lifetime obsessions: comic books. More specifically, the cinematic adaptations of said comics, one of which has just opened this weekend amidst a cavalcade of relentless criticism. I am, of course, talking about writer/director David Ayer’s take on the classic DC Comics supervillain team called Task Force X, also known as the more provocatively named Suicide Squad . But wait, did I say supervillain team?!? Why, yes, I did, but there is more to the concept than meets the eye. The modern comic book incarnation of the team began in 1987, and was heavily inspired by the World War II drama, The Dirty Dozen. DC’s creative team on the book, led by such legendary talents as John Ostrander, Len Wein, and John Byrne, came up w...

Well, it's certainly been a while since I've written something on this blog, hasn't it? So I've decided it's time to take stock of the way things have gone for the past month and a half or so. On the positive side, I feel like I have sort of regained my emotional equilibrium. It's been a long road, and definitely a difficult one, but it's also been an intriguing process. To add some context, let me take you back to the main issue I was facing. You see, I met a young woman over the past year or so who changed my life. She was a very special person, and she meant more to me than most of the people I've met in my life. She was vibrant, passionate, strong, beautiful, and absolutely hilarious. Yep. She threw me for a loop, alright. Anyway, long story short, I loved her. Or more accurately, I really liked her. She seemed like the kind of person I could see myself with. But, as always, things were not as clear cut as they seemed. I've a...

Friday, May 27, 2016 I am not okay. I’ve come to this realization over many years of searching, questioning, and introspection. It seems to me that life is a series of losses, and the aftermath of those experiences are the things that define us as individuals. Dealing with loss and grief is universal, as much a part of life as breathing and eating. For instance, the death of a loved one is always traumatic and overwhelming. There often is the horrible pain and suffering that the person went through, its effects on the person’s family members, and the arrangements that must be made after the person is gone. I have been through this a few times in my life, as I’m sure all of you reading this have, and I still feel the void that my grandmother, grandfather, grand-uncle, and aunt left in my life, even years later. I can even feel the loss of my pet dog who passed on ten years ago. I don’t think that pain ever goes away. Even though death is probably the major source of these ...

May 19, 2016 There’s a great scene in Tim Burton’s underrated 1992 film, Batman Returns , in which Bruce Wayne (aka Batman, played by the fantastic Michael Keaton) and Selina Kyle (aka Catwoman, portrayed by the incomparable Michelle Pfeiffer) share a quiet evening by the fire in Wayne Manor. In the midst of their date, the conversation turns to Wayne’s romantic history. Selina asks Bruce if he’s ever been involved in a serious relationship. He says he had one, but it didn’t work out. “What went wrong?” Selina asks. “Hang on, I think I know. You kept things from her.” “No. Told her everything,” replies Bruce. “Oh, yeah?” says Selina, a bit surprised. “And the truth frightened her?” “Well, there are two truths…” Bruce answers. “She had trouble reconciling them because I had trouble… reconciling them.” Selina smiles knowingly in response. Bruce continues, “See, Vicki thought...” “Vicki?” Selina chuckles. “Ice skater or stewardess?” Bruce laughs a little. “No, she was a...

May 7, 2016 Sometimes life surprises you in ways you don’t expect. Yesterday, I went to therapy. It was my second session, and I desperately needed it. You see, the past week hasn’t been rainbows and lollipops for me. Well, the past couple months, really. Hence the therapy. Anyway, without going too deep into it, sometimes talking your feelings out with a professional is a very good thing, and can offer a perspective you may not see on your own. We all get caught up in our own stuff, whether it be work-related stress or things that happen at home. I urge you to seek help if you need it. I certainly did. Before going on, though, I want to reminisce about one of my favorite scenes in Spider-Man 2, starring Tobey Maguire and directed by the great Sam Raimi. In this particular scene, there was no action, no explosions, not even a guy in a costume. Instead, there was a table and three chairs, occupied by Peter Parker (Maguire), Dr. Otto Octavius (the perfectly cast Alfred Mo...

April 24, 2016 Today, I am 35 years old. Holy crap. Thirty-freakin’-five. I’m frankly amazed I survived this long. Here’s the thing, though: I really don’t feel 35. I certainly don’t look my age, and I’m more or less sure I don’t act like a grown adult, either. I mean, I was just watching Animaniacs on Netflix, okay? Clearly, something is amiss here. Then again, maybe it isn’t. I know my last post was a downer, but that’s what this blog is for me. It’s a place to work through things, both the good and the bad, and the ups and downs of the day-to-day. And I’d be lying if I said the past week was anything but up and down. The reasons for my mood swings of late are very personal, but they do exist, and everyday is a challenge to do better and face down my inner demons. For the moment, I think I’ve done that. I’m in a good place right now, in this time and place. Some of that anxiety and hopelessness I felt had to do with this day, in fact, and the idea that I’m a year older. ...

April 23, 2016 I am a negative person. I know this because I’ve been told I am. Multiple times, actually. By people who were my friends. I say “were” because I have literally had people cut me off because they think I’m too much of a pessimist. Like I’m a bad influence on them, and maybe they’re right. I think, however, that the truth is a bit more complicated than that. I’ve mentioned my issues with self-loathing before, but I haven’t really examined where that comes from, or the various forms it can take. Recently, I’ve been feeling very ambivalent about my life, and not really happy with the person I am. This is a feeling I’ve had before, and it seems to be culminating now, on the eve of my thirty-fifth birthday and a mere two weeks after I had an amazing time at Kawaii Kon. Where does this come from? Why now? These are all questions I don’t really feel like I can answer. All I know is that this feeling seems to be rooted in one specific belief I have about myself: I don’t...