On Negativity
April 23, 2016
I am a negative person.
I know this because I’ve been told I am. Multiple times, actually. By people who were my friends. I say “were” because I have literally had people cut me off because they think I’m too much of a pessimist. Like I’m a bad influence on them, and maybe they’re right.
I think, however, that the truth is a bit more complicated than that.
I’ve mentioned my issues with self-loathing before, but I haven’t really examined where that comes from, or the various forms it can take. Recently, I’ve been feeling very ambivalent about my life, and not really happy with the person I am. This is a feeling I’ve had before, and it seems to be culminating now, on the eve of my thirty-fifth birthday and a mere two weeks after I had an amazing time at Kawaii Kon.
Where does this come from? Why now? These are all questions I don’t really feel like I can answer. All I know is that this feeling seems to be rooted in one specific belief I have about myself: I don’t deserve happiness.
I also have a tremendous capacity for self-deception.
I think that’s why I’ve shut people out of my life, or turned on a dime and stopped doing something that felt fulfilling, like when I deleted this blog a couple of days ago. Obviously, that decision is now reversed, but I was going to quit, because I felt like I didn’t care about anything and felt like it was a waste of time.
Basically, I punish myself. I take things that I love and I turn around and say I don’t deserve to be enjoying them. I have no idea why I do this, except that my negativity and pessimism comes from a place of deep and intense self-hatred. It’s something I fight against everyday. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I have many good friends who help me as much as they can, and I appreciate their advice and the fact that they listen to my gripes and complaints.
It’s gotten to the point that I feel like my natural state is one of pessimism, and not just about my own circumstances, but also the world in general. Positivity does not come easily for me, and I tend to view the world through a heavily ironic lens to begin with, so even the things that should evoke a sense of happiness often just make me feel exasperated.
Still, I’m trying to improve myself, and I'm well aware of the fact that the changes must come from within me. So I’m starting small. This blog is a step forward, but it’s only a piece of the puzzle. I hope that someday I can become more successful at loving myself, but I know that it’s going to be an uphill battle.
Thanks for reading, and for embarking on that journey with me.
I am a negative person.
I know this because I’ve been told I am. Multiple times, actually. By people who were my friends. I say “were” because I have literally had people cut me off because they think I’m too much of a pessimist. Like I’m a bad influence on them, and maybe they’re right.
I think, however, that the truth is a bit more complicated than that.
I’ve mentioned my issues with self-loathing before, but I haven’t really examined where that comes from, or the various forms it can take. Recently, I’ve been feeling very ambivalent about my life, and not really happy with the person I am. This is a feeling I’ve had before, and it seems to be culminating now, on the eve of my thirty-fifth birthday and a mere two weeks after I had an amazing time at Kawaii Kon.
Where does this come from? Why now? These are all questions I don’t really feel like I can answer. All I know is that this feeling seems to be rooted in one specific belief I have about myself: I don’t deserve happiness.
I also have a tremendous capacity for self-deception.
I think that’s why I’ve shut people out of my life, or turned on a dime and stopped doing something that felt fulfilling, like when I deleted this blog a couple of days ago. Obviously, that decision is now reversed, but I was going to quit, because I felt like I didn’t care about anything and felt like it was a waste of time.
Basically, I punish myself. I take things that I love and I turn around and say I don’t deserve to be enjoying them. I have no idea why I do this, except that my negativity and pessimism comes from a place of deep and intense self-hatred. It’s something I fight against everyday. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I have many good friends who help me as much as they can, and I appreciate their advice and the fact that they listen to my gripes and complaints.
It’s gotten to the point that I feel like my natural state is one of pessimism, and not just about my own circumstances, but also the world in general. Positivity does not come easily for me, and I tend to view the world through a heavily ironic lens to begin with, so even the things that should evoke a sense of happiness often just make me feel exasperated.
Still, I’m trying to improve myself, and I'm well aware of the fact that the changes must come from within me. So I’m starting small. This blog is a step forward, but it’s only a piece of the puzzle. I hope that someday I can become more successful at loving myself, but I know that it’s going to be an uphill battle.
Thanks for reading, and for embarking on that journey with me.
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