Musings From the Dark Side

April 24, 2016 Today, I am 35 years old. Holy crap. Thirty-freakin’-five. I’m frankly amazed I survived this long. Here’s the thing, though: I really don’t feel 35. I certainly don’t look my age, and I’m more or less sure I don’t act like a grown adult, either. I mean, I was just watching Animaniacs on Netflix, okay? Clearly, something is amiss here. Then again, maybe it isn’t. I know my last post was a downer, but that’s what this blog is for me. It’s a place to work through things, both the good and the bad, and the ups and downs of the day-to-day. And I’d be lying if I said the past week was anything but up and down. The reasons for my mood swings of late are very personal, but they do exist, and everyday is a challenge to do better and face down my inner demons. For the moment, I think I’ve done that. I’m in a good place right now, in this time and place. Some of that anxiety and hopelessness I felt had to do with this day, in fact, and the idea that I’m a year older. ...

April 23, 2016 I am a negative person. I know this because I’ve been told I am. Multiple times, actually. By people who were my friends. I say “were” because I have literally had people cut me off because they think I’m too much of a pessimist. Like I’m a bad influence on them, and maybe they’re right. I think, however, that the truth is a bit more complicated than that. I’ve mentioned my issues with self-loathing before, but I haven’t really examined where that comes from, or the various forms it can take. Recently, I’ve been feeling very ambivalent about my life, and not really happy with the person I am. This is a feeling I’ve had before, and it seems to be culminating now, on the eve of my thirty-fifth birthday and a mere two weeks after I had an amazing time at Kawaii Kon. Where does this come from? Why now? These are all questions I don’t really feel like I can answer. All I know is that this feeling seems to be rooted in one specific belief I have about myself: I don’t...

April 21, 2016 So I’ve been thinking about this whole existence thing, and the complexity of the issues we all face on a daily basis. One of those issues—in fact, one of the biggest, most painful things we face—is betrayal. Letting people into your life is one of the greatest risks we can take, and yet it’s essential to becoming a fully-formed, well-rounded individual. I’ve already said that I’m not an expert on human behavior, but I have seen my fair share of it, and I can tell you without a doubt that people aren’t always what they seem. Someone you’ve trusted implicitly can turn on a dime and become your worst enemy, and vice versa. It can come from the most unlikely of sources, too. I’m not pointing fingers at anyone in my life here, but I can say that I’ve seen church-going people, the kind who should understand what it means to follow a moral code, turn around on others and gossip about them or outright stab them in the back. Look, I’m well aware that the world isn’t all...

  April 20, 2016 Let’s talk about relationships. Oh, no, I don’t just mean the romantic kind. Those are fun and all, but that’s not the alpha and omega here. I guess what I’m thinking of is more related to the concept of “connection” I discussed in my earlier post. There’s a deep longing in the human heart for that kind of intrinsic interpersonal bond with someone. I don’t know if it’s an evolutionary mechanism that places that desire within us, or if maybe it’s a spiritual one. All I know is that it exists, and it’s one of the most paradoxically wonderful and frustrating things about being human. But okay, before I try to get all weird and philosophical here, let me frame this whole article for you. Ready? Okay, because I’m about to get all straightforward here… I’m still a virgin. There, I’ve said it. It’s out there, only it's not, because I’ve never let it out. I mean, I have, but… okay, I’m just gonna stop talking about it now, because this is getting uncomfortable...

April 19, 2016 Big changes happen in small moments. Two of my best friends from the Blockbuster days, Natalie and Xylena. I'm in the middle. Naturally. At least, that’s what I’ve come to believe. When we left off in the last post, I mentioned a very miniscule, mundane encounter that left a big impact on me, and I wanted to expand on that idea. I think that we human beings crave connection. We’re social creatures by nature. I mean, I’m not a sociologist or psychologist or anything ending in “-ist,” but I can see it, even in myself. That being said, I was a very solitary person, and I still enjoy my “alone time,” especially these days. Particularly after a hard day at work.  There was, however, something missing in my life. When that young woman said hello to me, I suddenly knew what it was.  It was connection . When I was coasting through my existence, I didn’t know what I was missing. I wasn’t really even aware of it, but the fact is that isolating on...

April 18, 2016 Life is strange. Not only is that the title of a remarkably underrated video game series, it’s also a universal truth. You can plan things out as much as you like, work hard to get to where you want to be, and then… well, life throws you a curveball before you even step up to the plate. I say this because I had a plan. A roadmap, as I mentioned in the last post, for what I was going to do after I graduated from high school. I was living on Maui at the time, and I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t miss that place. After all, it was where I grew up in a lot of ways. A bunch of people I consider friends still live there, and I feel like that is where my heart resides. I would have gone to community college there. Hopefully, I would have carved out a little niche for myself, and maybe even would have settled down. Perhaps I’d have a short novel or two under my belt. At least, that was the idea. That was all tossed by the wayside after I had my first encounter with death. My...

April 18, 2016 Just so you know, this is the most personal blog post I've ever written, so please enjoy it! Y'know, it's been an interesting couple of weeks for me. Besides the usual work stress and just life-in-general stuff (helping the family, paying the bills, etc.), I also decided to go to the local anime convention last weekend. It's called Kawaii Kon , in case you're interested, and it was a blast! I got to hang out with some of the most fun and amazing people I know, plus I made some new friends and met some awesome celebrities, like Jessica Nigri (cosplayer extraordinaire), Steve Blum (the voice of Spike Spiegel in Cowboy Bebop and Wolverine in many animated series and video games!), and Grey DeLisle (legendary voice actress famous for playing Catwoman in the Batman Arkham games and Azula in Avatar: The Last Airbender)! Needless to say, I thought the convention was an amazing experience, albeit a tiring one. Standing in line for a combined total of ab...

April 18, 2016 So, this is a very short, very simple poem I wrote at 1:30 a.m. on Sunday morning, when I was sitting alone in my room and I just felt the urge to do so. Take a gander, won't you? I sit in silence Waiting Watching Searching For you. Patiently I hope I dream I wish I see. You appear Magical Resplendent I stare Disbelieving. How can this be? I ask Expecting nothing No reply Yet you’re there. A missing piece A part of me I keep hidden In your presence It blooms. I was nothing Incomplete Unworthy Stagnant Until I met you. Now I sit In darkness Wondering Seeking Thinking of you. The silence Speaks to me I listen I decipher I discover And all I hear… All I see... Is you.

April 18, 2016 Oh, hello there. Let me introduce myself. My name's Keona. I used to have a blog called the Geek Box, and I also used to be the editorial director for a website called Geeks + Gamers, as some of you may know. As you may have surmised, I am a geek. A nerd. A socially awkward person who passionately loves things which some may dismiss as, and I quote, "childish." To those people, I simply say, "Neener neener neener! You can't stop me from loving what I love!" To everyone else, I bid you a fond and sincere welcome. I hope you stick around and enjoy what I write. Now, to address the reason why I am starting this blog anew: See, the past year or so has been quite an experience for me. It's been exhilarating, fun, and refreshing on the one hand, and utterly soul-crushing, heartbreaking, and exhausting on the other. This blog is intended to be an expression of my experiences, and perhaps a way for me to exorcise certain feelings and internal ...