The Journey So Far... - Part One
April 18, 2016
Just so you know, this is the most personal blog post I've ever written, so please enjoy it!
Y'know, it's been an interesting couple of weeks for me. Besides the usual work stress and just life-in-general stuff (helping the family, paying the bills, etc.), I also decided to go to the local anime convention last weekend. It's called Kawaii Kon, in case you're interested, and it was a blast! I got to hang out with some of the most fun and amazing people I know, plus I made some new friends and met some awesome celebrities, like Jessica Nigri (cosplayer extraordinaire), Steve Blum (the voice of Spike Spiegel in Cowboy Bebop and Wolverine in many animated series and video games!), and Grey DeLisle (legendary voice actress famous for playing Catwoman in the Batman Arkham games and Azula in Avatar: The Last Airbender)!
Needless to say, I thought the convention was an amazing experience, albeit a tiring one. Standing in line for a combined total of about five hours just to get a few precious seconds with people you idolize is definitely...interesting. Still, it's all worth it, and for those three days, I was surrounded by beautiful artwork and amazingly talented and inspiring people. Part of me wishes it never ended.
Ah, but such is the way of all things in life, particularly the fun stuff. Soon, it was back to the old routine of working, eating, and sleeping. All necessary things, of course, but I can't help feeling like I should have led a more fulfilling life.
I'm gonna be straight with you here: I'm 34 years old, about to turn 35 in less than a week. I've lived in the state of Hawaii my whole life, and while I've been to different islands in the state, I've never actually been to the mainland. I've also never had a girlfriend. In high school, I was shy and quiet. The "observer," as I've been told. I didn't really engage with anyone on that level, and when I finally did, she usually wasn't interested. I probably wouldn't have been, either, had I been in her shoes, so I didn't blame anyone but myself.
And that's the thing about me. I often blame myself for many things. See, I consider myself a decent person, when the chips are down. I help my family, I care about my friends, and I try to be a good person to anyone who enters into my life. However, all of the love I have for my friends and family masks a darker truth. The flipside of the proverbial coin, as it were.
I hate myself. I mean, I have a reservoir of self-loathing so deep that it sometimes manifests as anger toward others. Or perfectionism. Or jealousy. And even after I've dealt with those feelings and pushed them down enough that I can continue to function in my day-to-day activities, I feel ashamed for even having them at all. Call it Catholic guilt, if you want, but the reality is that it's a very bad thing that can stop you from living your life to its full potential.
I should know, because I've been there. Looking back on my life, I can see the signposts and events that led me to this point. Going back to elementary and grade school, I was always teased about my size and my weight problems, which I still struggle with to this day. It's not unusual for kids to mock other kids, but I was a sensitive soul (still am, if you couldn't tell), and to this day, the bullying and mockery I experienced in my formative years haunts me. And yeah, I know I should get over it, but I think the source of much of my inner turmoil has come from me subconsciously turning that crap over on myself. It took me years to figure out that I was doing that to myself, but I finally became cognizant of it, and I'm still in the process of addressing it.
My high school experience generally consisted of me sitting in the back of the classroom silently hoping that the teacher would not call on me to answer a question, even when I knew the answer. In all honesty, I was a bit of an underachiever. I got good grades in class, but had I applied myself just a bit more, I probably could have gotten straight As. Now I know that, but back then, I was just trying to survive for four years.
That's when things went a bit haywire for me. My original roadmap for what I wanted to do in my post-high school years went out the window after my grandmother suddenly passed away. So my parents and I moved from Maui back to my birthplace, the island of Oahu, in order to help out my grandfather, who soon passed away in 2001, which was the same year I dropped out of college to help my family pay the bills.
Well, that's all I have for you this time. Soon, I'll have part two posted. See ya on the internets.
Just so you know, this is the most personal blog post I've ever written, so please enjoy it!
Y'know, it's been an interesting couple of weeks for me. Besides the usual work stress and just life-in-general stuff (helping the family, paying the bills, etc.), I also decided to go to the local anime convention last weekend. It's called Kawaii Kon, in case you're interested, and it was a blast! I got to hang out with some of the most fun and amazing people I know, plus I made some new friends and met some awesome celebrities, like Jessica Nigri (cosplayer extraordinaire), Steve Blum (the voice of Spike Spiegel in Cowboy Bebop and Wolverine in many animated series and video games!), and Grey DeLisle (legendary voice actress famous for playing Catwoman in the Batman Arkham games and Azula in Avatar: The Last Airbender)!
Needless to say, I thought the convention was an amazing experience, albeit a tiring one. Standing in line for a combined total of about five hours just to get a few precious seconds with people you idolize is definitely...interesting. Still, it's all worth it, and for those three days, I was surrounded by beautiful artwork and amazingly talented and inspiring people. Part of me wishes it never ended.
Ah, but such is the way of all things in life, particularly the fun stuff. Soon, it was back to the old routine of working, eating, and sleeping. All necessary things, of course, but I can't help feeling like I should have led a more fulfilling life.
I'm gonna be straight with you here: I'm 34 years old, about to turn 35 in less than a week. I've lived in the state of Hawaii my whole life, and while I've been to different islands in the state, I've never actually been to the mainland. I've also never had a girlfriend. In high school, I was shy and quiet. The "observer," as I've been told. I didn't really engage with anyone on that level, and when I finally did, she usually wasn't interested. I probably wouldn't have been, either, had I been in her shoes, so I didn't blame anyone but myself.
And that's the thing about me. I often blame myself for many things. See, I consider myself a decent person, when the chips are down. I help my family, I care about my friends, and I try to be a good person to anyone who enters into my life. However, all of the love I have for my friends and family masks a darker truth. The flipside of the proverbial coin, as it were.
I hate myself. I mean, I have a reservoir of self-loathing so deep that it sometimes manifests as anger toward others. Or perfectionism. Or jealousy. And even after I've dealt with those feelings and pushed them down enough that I can continue to function in my day-to-day activities, I feel ashamed for even having them at all. Call it Catholic guilt, if you want, but the reality is that it's a very bad thing that can stop you from living your life to its full potential.
I should know, because I've been there. Looking back on my life, I can see the signposts and events that led me to this point. Going back to elementary and grade school, I was always teased about my size and my weight problems, which I still struggle with to this day. It's not unusual for kids to mock other kids, but I was a sensitive soul (still am, if you couldn't tell), and to this day, the bullying and mockery I experienced in my formative years haunts me. And yeah, I know I should get over it, but I think the source of much of my inner turmoil has come from me subconsciously turning that crap over on myself. It took me years to figure out that I was doing that to myself, but I finally became cognizant of it, and I'm still in the process of addressing it.
My high school experience generally consisted of me sitting in the back of the classroom silently hoping that the teacher would not call on me to answer a question, even when I knew the answer. In all honesty, I was a bit of an underachiever. I got good grades in class, but had I applied myself just a bit more, I probably could have gotten straight As. Now I know that, but back then, I was just trying to survive for four years.
That's when things went a bit haywire for me. My original roadmap for what I wanted to do in my post-high school years went out the window after my grandmother suddenly passed away. So my parents and I moved from Maui back to my birthplace, the island of Oahu, in order to help out my grandfather, who soon passed away in 2001, which was the same year I dropped out of college to help my family pay the bills.
Well, that's all I have for you this time. Soon, I'll have part two posted. See ya on the internets.
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