Doomed From the Start
April 20, 2016
Let’s talk about relationships.
Oh, no, I don’t just mean the romantic kind. Those are fun and all, but that’s not the alpha and omega here.
I guess what I’m thinking of is more related to the concept of “connection” I discussed in my earlier post. There’s a deep longing in the human heart for that kind of intrinsic interpersonal bond with someone. I don’t know if it’s an evolutionary mechanism that places that desire within us, or if maybe it’s a spiritual one. All I know is that it exists, and it’s one of the most paradoxically wonderful and frustrating things about being human.
But okay, before I try to get all weird and philosophical here, let me frame this whole article for you. Ready? Okay, because I’m about to get all straightforward here…
I’m still a virgin. There, I’ve said it. It’s out there, only it's not, because I’ve never let it out. I mean, I have, but… okay, I’m just gonna stop talking about it now, because this is getting uncomfortable. And awkward. And strange, even for me.
Oh, but wait, that’s not all. I have never even had a girlfriend (or a boyfriend, for that matter, though I don’t really swing that way; sorry, dudes looking to score), nor have I ever even gone on a date. Not even in high school. So, basically, you could almost call me a 40-year-old virgin, except for the fact that I’m about five years off the mark and look nothing like Steve Carell.
And really, thank the powers that be for that small favor, all due respect to Mr. Carell, who has more money and a better career than I ever will and probably has access to women I can only dream of, so I think he won out in the end.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, for one thing, it makes for awesomely bad comedy, and second, I hit my head on a label printer at work yesterday (don’t ask me how or why, because at this point I’m not even sure), so maybe a couple of screws jangled loose. And trust me, that little faux pas was hi-freakin’-larious.
Oh, and did I mention that all of the women I’ve ever been attracted to have inexplicably been taken? Because that’s a thing, and I don’t mean that they’ve had an evil Hive king rip through a dimensional gateway in order to steal the essence of their souls and build up his wicked army against the Guardians of the Light (give it up for esoteric video game/Destiny references, please).
Anyway, my point is that even for someone like me, someone who has been incredibly, invariably unlucky in matters of the heart, someone who has—I daresay—been doomed from the start… There is hope. I know this because I cling to it everyday, and I squeeze it so tight it nearly bursts. I know this because the law of averages dictates that it will happen for me someday, and even if that’s a lie, hey, it’s better than absolute, soul-crushing despair, right?
Most of all, though… I know this because even though I don’t have the romantic history of a Tony Stark or William the Bloody (shout out to my fellow Buffy fans!), what I do have are awesome friends. Sometimes, that’s even better than having a significant other. Or, at least, that’s what I tell myself.
Also, and I hope this doesn’t get me into some kind of trouble, but I want to mention that a deep relationship with someone doesn’t actually have to be romantic in nature to be special and life-enriching. You see, I firmly believe that there are some people with whom you will connect with on a shockingly absurd level, and those people become part of you as you journey through life. I’ve been lucky enough to meet a few of them, both in real life and online. These are people whom you encounter and there’s just a spark that goes off. It’s like a “eureka!” moment, where you realize you’ve met a kindred spirit.
Off the top of my head, I can think of at least four or five people that fit that bill. These are men and women that I consider more than just friends; they’re my family, too. They challenge me to grow and develop as a person, and to be open and engage with them on a far more personal level than most. They’re funny and brilliant and I love them more than my life itself, and I hope they know that.
I guess what I’m saying is that relationships come in many different shapes and forms. If you’re lucky enough to have found a lifelong friend, or the love of your life, or even just a cool acquaintance you work with, be grateful for that connection. And if you’ve found that mystical, all-encompassing, powerful love that some of us may never even see in our lifetimes, then I truly envy you in the best way possible. Because that is what it’s all about.
I hope that even someone like me can find that someday, because I have to believe that no one is actually doomed from the start.
Let’s talk about relationships.
Oh, no, I don’t just mean the romantic kind. Those are fun and all, but that’s not the alpha and omega here.
I guess what I’m thinking of is more related to the concept of “connection” I discussed in my earlier post. There’s a deep longing in the human heart for that kind of intrinsic interpersonal bond with someone. I don’t know if it’s an evolutionary mechanism that places that desire within us, or if maybe it’s a spiritual one. All I know is that it exists, and it’s one of the most paradoxically wonderful and frustrating things about being human.
But okay, before I try to get all weird and philosophical here, let me frame this whole article for you. Ready? Okay, because I’m about to get all straightforward here…
I’m still a virgin. There, I’ve said it. It’s out there, only it's not, because I’ve never let it out. I mean, I have, but… okay, I’m just gonna stop talking about it now, because this is getting uncomfortable. And awkward. And strange, even for me.
Oh, but wait, that’s not all. I have never even had a girlfriend (or a boyfriend, for that matter, though I don’t really swing that way; sorry, dudes looking to score), nor have I ever even gone on a date. Not even in high school. So, basically, you could almost call me a 40-year-old virgin, except for the fact that I’m about five years off the mark and look nothing like Steve Carell.
 |
| Seriously, though, this guy's who I want to be when I grow up. |
And really, thank the powers that be for that small favor, all due respect to Mr. Carell, who has more money and a better career than I ever will and probably has access to women I can only dream of, so I think he won out in the end.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, for one thing, it makes for awesomely bad comedy, and second, I hit my head on a label printer at work yesterday (don’t ask me how or why, because at this point I’m not even sure), so maybe a couple of screws jangled loose. And trust me, that little faux pas was hi-freakin’-larious.
Oh, and did I mention that all of the women I’ve ever been attracted to have inexplicably been taken? Because that’s a thing, and I don’t mean that they’ve had an evil Hive king rip through a dimensional gateway in order to steal the essence of their souls and build up his wicked army against the Guardians of the Light (give it up for esoteric video game/Destiny references, please).
 |
| Now that's a face only a mother could love. But she'd probably run away screaming, too. |
Anyway, my point is that even for someone like me, someone who has been incredibly, invariably unlucky in matters of the heart, someone who has—I daresay—been doomed from the start… There is hope. I know this because I cling to it everyday, and I squeeze it so tight it nearly bursts. I know this because the law of averages dictates that it will happen for me someday, and even if that’s a lie, hey, it’s better than absolute, soul-crushing despair, right?
Most of all, though… I know this because even though I don’t have the romantic history of a Tony Stark or William the Bloody (shout out to my fellow Buffy fans!), what I do have are awesome friends. Sometimes, that’s even better than having a significant other. Or, at least, that’s what I tell myself.
 |
| Actually, THIS is who I want to be when I grow up. |
Also, and I hope this doesn’t get me into some kind of trouble, but I want to mention that a deep relationship with someone doesn’t actually have to be romantic in nature to be special and life-enriching. You see, I firmly believe that there are some people with whom you will connect with on a shockingly absurd level, and those people become part of you as you journey through life. I’ve been lucky enough to meet a few of them, both in real life and online. These are people whom you encounter and there’s just a spark that goes off. It’s like a “eureka!” moment, where you realize you’ve met a kindred spirit.
 |
| There's two of the coolest people I know! Love your face, Natalie! |
Off the top of my head, I can think of at least four or five people that fit that bill. These are men and women that I consider more than just friends; they’re my family, too. They challenge me to grow and develop as a person, and to be open and engage with them on a far more personal level than most. They’re funny and brilliant and I love them more than my life itself, and I hope they know that.
 |
| Here's someone I consider one of my best friends ever. And no, I don't mean me. I am rockin' those gold beads, though. |
I guess what I’m saying is that relationships come in many different shapes and forms. If you’re lucky enough to have found a lifelong friend, or the love of your life, or even just a cool acquaintance you work with, be grateful for that connection. And if you’ve found that mystical, all-encompassing, powerful love that some of us may never even see in our lifetimes, then I truly envy you in the best way possible. Because that is what it’s all about.
I hope that even someone like me can find that someday, because I have to believe that no one is actually doomed from the start.
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