Musings From the Dark Side

Friday, May 27, 2016 I am not okay. I’ve come to this realization over many years of searching, questioning, and introspection. It seems to me that life is a series of losses, and the aftermath of those experiences are the things that define us as individuals. Dealing with loss and grief is universal, as much a part of life as breathing and eating. For instance, the death of a loved one is always traumatic and overwhelming. There often is the horrible pain and suffering that the person went through, its effects on the person’s family members, and the arrangements that must be made after the person is gone. I have been through this a few times in my life, as I’m sure all of you reading this have, and I still feel the void that my grandmother, grandfather, grand-uncle, and aunt left in my life, even years later. I can even feel the loss of my pet dog who passed on ten years ago. I don’t think that pain ever goes away. Even though death is probably the major source of these ...

May 19, 2016 There’s a great scene in Tim Burton’s underrated 1992 film, Batman Returns , in which Bruce Wayne (aka Batman, played by the fantastic Michael Keaton) and Selina Kyle (aka Catwoman, portrayed by the incomparable Michelle Pfeiffer) share a quiet evening by the fire in Wayne Manor. In the midst of their date, the conversation turns to Wayne’s romantic history. Selina asks Bruce if he’s ever been involved in a serious relationship. He says he had one, but it didn’t work out. “What went wrong?” Selina asks. “Hang on, I think I know. You kept things from her.” “No. Told her everything,” replies Bruce. “Oh, yeah?” says Selina, a bit surprised. “And the truth frightened her?” “Well, there are two truths…” Bruce answers. “She had trouble reconciling them because I had trouble… reconciling them.” Selina smiles knowingly in response. Bruce continues, “See, Vicki thought...” “Vicki?” Selina chuckles. “Ice skater or stewardess?” Bruce laughs a little. “No, she was a...

May 7, 2016 Sometimes life surprises you in ways you don’t expect. Yesterday, I went to therapy. It was my second session, and I desperately needed it. You see, the past week hasn’t been rainbows and lollipops for me. Well, the past couple months, really. Hence the therapy. Anyway, without going too deep into it, sometimes talking your feelings out with a professional is a very good thing, and can offer a perspective you may not see on your own. We all get caught up in our own stuff, whether it be work-related stress or things that happen at home. I urge you to seek help if you need it. I certainly did. Before going on, though, I want to reminisce about one of my favorite scenes in Spider-Man 2, starring Tobey Maguire and directed by the great Sam Raimi. In this particular scene, there was no action, no explosions, not even a guy in a costume. Instead, there was a table and three chairs, occupied by Peter Parker (Maguire), Dr. Otto Octavius (the perfectly cast Alfred Mo...

April 24, 2016 Today, I am 35 years old. Holy crap. Thirty-freakin’-five. I’m frankly amazed I survived this long. Here’s the thing, though: I really don’t feel 35. I certainly don’t look my age, and I’m more or less sure I don’t act like a grown adult, either. I mean, I was just watching Animaniacs on Netflix, okay? Clearly, something is amiss here. Then again, maybe it isn’t. I know my last post was a downer, but that’s what this blog is for me. It’s a place to work through things, both the good and the bad, and the ups and downs of the day-to-day. And I’d be lying if I said the past week was anything but up and down. The reasons for my mood swings of late are very personal, but they do exist, and everyday is a challenge to do better and face down my inner demons. For the moment, I think I’ve done that. I’m in a good place right now, in this time and place. Some of that anxiety and hopelessness I felt had to do with this day, in fact, and the idea that I’m a year older. ...

April 23, 2016 I am a negative person. I know this because I’ve been told I am. Multiple times, actually. By people who were my friends. I say “were” because I have literally had people cut me off because they think I’m too much of a pessimist. Like I’m a bad influence on them, and maybe they’re right. I think, however, that the truth is a bit more complicated than that. I’ve mentioned my issues with self-loathing before, but I haven’t really examined where that comes from, or the various forms it can take. Recently, I’ve been feeling very ambivalent about my life, and not really happy with the person I am. This is a feeling I’ve had before, and it seems to be culminating now, on the eve of my thirty-fifth birthday and a mere two weeks after I had an amazing time at Kawaii Kon. Where does this come from? Why now? These are all questions I don’t really feel like I can answer. All I know is that this feeling seems to be rooted in one specific belief I have about myself: I don’t...

April 21, 2016 So I’ve been thinking about this whole existence thing, and the complexity of the issues we all face on a daily basis. One of those issues—in fact, one of the biggest, most painful things we face—is betrayal. Letting people into your life is one of the greatest risks we can take, and yet it’s essential to becoming a fully-formed, well-rounded individual. I’ve already said that I’m not an expert on human behavior, but I have seen my fair share of it, and I can tell you without a doubt that people aren’t always what they seem. Someone you’ve trusted implicitly can turn on a dime and become your worst enemy, and vice versa. It can come from the most unlikely of sources, too. I’m not pointing fingers at anyone in my life here, but I can say that I’ve seen church-going people, the kind who should understand what it means to follow a moral code, turn around on others and gossip about them or outright stab them in the back. Look, I’m well aware that the world isn’t all...

  April 20, 2016 Let’s talk about relationships. Oh, no, I don’t just mean the romantic kind. Those are fun and all, but that’s not the alpha and omega here. I guess what I’m thinking of is more related to the concept of “connection” I discussed in my earlier post. There’s a deep longing in the human heart for that kind of intrinsic interpersonal bond with someone. I don’t know if it’s an evolutionary mechanism that places that desire within us, or if maybe it’s a spiritual one. All I know is that it exists, and it’s one of the most paradoxically wonderful and frustrating things about being human. But okay, before I try to get all weird and philosophical here, let me frame this whole article for you. Ready? Okay, because I’m about to get all straightforward here… I’m still a virgin. There, I’ve said it. It’s out there, only it's not, because I’ve never let it out. I mean, I have, but… okay, I’m just gonna stop talking about it now, because this is getting uncomfortable...